I was that kid at school who rarely took days off…….mostly because I was too scared to (I’ll miss the assignments, I’ll get behind, I won’t hear the lesson, I won’t be able to turn in my report……blah blah blah.) There was always a very good reason for me NOT to call in sick.  My mother, so wise and lovingly encouraged, me to take a sick day when I felt sick. ” I can’t” I remember protesting. In my little kid mind, the world revolved around that school day (and me) and things just may stop dead if I didn’t show up!

Luckily, my mom helped give me perspective.  Its not THAT important! Really! Just relax.  In a lot of cases, I think its the opposite lesson that mothers give there kids “No, you can’t stay home from school, your fine”  I always admired kids who were willing to stay home from school, no guilt attached.

Now that I’m a grown-up (or at least trying! (doesn’t mean that husband or kids are anywhere even remotely close to the horizon :-)) I don’t have my mom helping me, out so I have to call my own shots with no soothing confirmations.  So hard!  So, taking the night off tonight, was a bit of a victory, and of course, I’m trying to gently push any guilt, off to the side! I remember one time in Ithaca, New York where I was finishing college, I didn’t ask for the night off……and I should of!  I was a waitress and I was totally snotting and coughing and sneezing……poor customers.  ANd I thought I was doing good. Oops. You live and your learn, right?

It amazes me how loyal I am to “cubicle world” land of blahhhhhh.  Especially when I value “my own time”, so much.  But then again, it is my livliehood and I am scared @#$*less, to not show any signs of weakness because of what may happen.  I’m feel very dependent on my job and so, I’m appreciative-I guess. (I sure sound like it, don’t I :-))

Enough

My package from Cirque Du Solei arrived in the mail today. YIPPEEE!! It was waiting for me at the door when I got home early from work (the gods rewarded me for my bravery) And arriving in my package was………a blue shirt made for working out (yoga/dance) that is elegant,sporty,different and designed for acrobatic movement. Hell yeah! I wish I could show you all a picture because words just don’t describe the amazingness of this shirt. Right now (NOW being the key point) I want to be a clothes designer and design line similar to this shirt. Its just incredible and I’ve never seen anything like it!  Leave it to Cirque Du Solei .  Which, by the way, I’ve been doing quite a bit of research on and realize that Guy Laliberte, owner,creater of Cirque Du Solei is an amazing, person who inspires you to dream big and go for it! Which, if you have ever been to Cirque Du Solei, is abundatly clear within the first five minutes.  It blew my mind! I seriously, didn’t know that humans had that much athletic ability and could move their bodies in that way. How inspiring!! He seems to be very daring and creative and sure that the unachievable, is, in fact achievable.  You should read about him, maybe he will inspire you too!

Avatar Reflections!!!  So much to say and ……….no motivation to say it.  Why is that???  Anja and Bryan…thank you guys so much for encouraging me.

I met people from all over the world and had “deep” conversations. I met people who do the most random jobs (air traffic controler, motorcycle racer, hostage negotiation business, photography business, pilates studio owner.Temp agency worker/owners, authors, concert pianist, former monk in Italy, starting their own business’s………wow)  For sure, some interesting conversations ensued (career, seems to be one of my favorite topics these days: “Do you love what you do? How did you get into it?”)

And some of my closest friends from the week, I have NO idea what they do for a living, we never got around to that!

I stayed with Bryan and his wife and family for the 9 days I was there. Bryan is one of my very best buds from college. One of those friends you meet and you just know that your going to be friends for life. We shared a passion for Nature, traveling and adventure.  A tight bond for sure!

The connection I felt with Bryan’s family was incredible.  Though I was very busy with my class and wouldn’t get home till late, sometimes missing them all together, I really valued the nights we sat around and chatted (with the Olympics in the background, how special!). Although, upon reflection, I fear that I TOTALLY dominated those conversation. Yikes I must say, the Kirby’s are some of the most interested/interesting, generous, supportive listeners I know. And I was VERY appreciative to be taken in by them so warmheartedly.

Changing the subject completely;

I ride my bike to work everyday and LOVE it!! I’m healthy and in shape have lost weight, get plenty of time to reflect, am improving my moto skills (can’t wait for summer!) and……the list goes on! But, here is a woman who wrote an e-book about her experience, shifting into a no car lifestyle. Well written and totally inspiring: Here is an interview with her on one of my favorite Blogs these days:http://www.farbeyondthestars.com/

So…….I still haven’t written about my Avatar class. Hmmm. maybe in my next post. I think I’m still processing it all…….

Cheers!

Just now, I bring my own coffee mug to fill with coffee (saves trash)…..they think I’m totally weird and don’t know how to make an Americano in it.  They keep asking me how much water I want in it, meanwhile totally killing the fresh shot of esspresso in the mug and splashing it it, ruining any crema that was there. (I realize that in writing this, I’m sounding like a coffee snob but I do think that making an americano is an art form and when I’m paying two dollars for a small one, I like the barrista to see it as an art form as well!

I’m scattered digging in my bag for stuff, always.  Digging through this, through that, looking for a pen,a paper, my chapstick, my lotion.  Grrrrr

On the way to Florida, I sat between two fat people, one of whom was sniffling and clutching her sudafed box the entire plane trip.  I used to see plane trips as a wonderful chance to really get to know someone, this flight, and more recently, I’ve been putting out as many signals as I can for people not to talk to me.  This woman was keen to tell me about her life and I sure as heck did not want to open the flood gates! (when did I get so mean!)

I’ve having to change my pattern and eat breakfast before 9am. I dont’ feel myself bouncing around like usual, I feel out of rhthym.  I don’t want to eat that early, but then I’m starving later…..if I don’t.  Hmmm.  Usually holding Tattered Covered coffee cup to go is a wonderfully comforting experience for me but here and now, it is just tone of a million things I’m trying to balance and I’m always scared I’ll knock it over, its feeling more and more like a ball and chain.  But I want comfort! somehow, someway!

I have no patience lately for “new” people on the job.   I feel annoyed and wish they would just get it.  Usually I’ve extended a lot of empathy towards them.  Easy for me, since I find myself more often than not, the “new one on the job”

Maybe I’m finally growing up, since I’m having all these grown up feelings!  yikes.

More thoughts on Avatar later…….!

After an exercise that we had done (for hours), we got in a circle of about 10 to debrief our experience. I found myself sitting in a circle full of Dutch people.  They were talking about what language to speak and since I was in the group, and don’t understand a lick of Dutch, they chose to speak English.  Imagine!  Being able to choose which language to speak about very personal,deep,feeling,abstract concepts, in. Wow.  I found this particular inspiring, in that they articulated their feeling in such an accepting,creative way…..AND they were given lots of space to talk before anyone jumped in on them.  It was a different feel in lots of ways, than talking with a group of Americans and I loved it!  Just to feel something different and to feel the level of acceptance and understandings and communications.  Extremely inspiring.

As it is winter…….I’m hibernating and spending a lot of time reading my books and working on little projects, when I’m not working.  I work from 3 till 10pm and have the mornings all to myself.  I’ve really been enjoying the schedule.  I don’t get lonely in the evenings because I’m working and get to enjoy coffee and sunshine and news of the new day,through the mornings.  Though its been pretty mellow, I’ve committed to riding my bike through the winter, so I sometimes get to have adventurous rides to and from work on my bicycle. watch out for black ice….yikes!! (lets just say, I’m trying NOT to notice the little rips on my brand new, Patagonia winter jacket…….)

My new excitement as of late is to explore my mind, consciousness.  I’m committing to a 9 day class in Orlando, Florida.  Yippee! Its been a cold winter and I’ve been taking care of my roommates dog while he goes to all sorts of places.  I must say, I see him coming and going and packing and unpacking…a little longingly.  Its so exciting to think about all the different worlds “out there” and amazing people living their lives.  For the most part, I’ve been happy to stay home but I must say……..around Feb I get antsy for a little change.

This opportunity of exploring my consciousness………..fascinating!!  It explores questions, like why do we do what we do,what are some of our hidden beliefs that we are unaware of, provides skills to reduce resistance and remove obstacles,skills to develop strengths out of perceived weaknesses.  Its truly the stuff that life is made of……for me, in my mind at least!!

In the spirit of the Alchemist, follow your heart ~ I’m going for it!  I requested work off, which was very scary because I’m in training for a new position (higher pay!) But they said OK.  Yippeee!

Now I just need the money :-).  And so, I’m putting it out to the universe……… Can I borrow money from you?  Anyone?  I can keep up an informative/inspiring blog dialogue of my “exploration of consciousness”  perhaps some of you can go through it with me!

Anyone who can lend me any money…..I’ll make up a contract and payment plan to get that money back to you by a specific time.

Thank you thank you thank you! Your support (financial and especially through your comments) helps me feel like a member of this planet and connected (sometimes its dreadfully lonely out there!) And I in turn, hope to offer an intimate glimpse into a fascinating world.

Discoveries you will make are the beliefs and belief systems contained in your own consciousness.  Some of these may be immediately apparent while others are transparent, meaning that you perceive and act through them without realizing it..  These transparent beliefs affect the understanding and workability of everything else.

Would love to hear any thoughts……..if you all haven’t given up on me, its been so long since I’ve written!