Trauma. Trauma. Trauma! What a fascinating subject. I have been diving in. Deep. So much to learn. Like. So. Much. As a society, we are only just breaking the tip of the ice-berg. But we are uncovering more and more, in depth-ful expansive ways.
It took me awhile to land on the concept of trauma, for me personally. I thought it was a word associated with war. And war has felt far from my sphere. It took me a LOT of SLOW realizing to unpack the word and personalize it. This seems to be my way in the world. SLOW realizing. OMG. SLOW. (I am learning about patience too!)
So far, I understand ….. that the point of life is to ultimately give and receive love. And learning is a part of this exchange. It is attention. Attention is love. And so, life is not about being smart, having a good job and being good. Ha! who knew. I wish someone had told me this when I was younger (not that I would have listened) my eager little self was so ready to be good, to please, make people like me, to make situations flow nicely. (my parents may not share this perspective ;-)) Life is about learning and intimacy (with everything) At least this is what I have come to……………..thus far.
Slowly I am unraveling and the word trauma keeps coming up. My girlfriend Julia first put this to me. As a Mental Health expert working for the State of Colorado, she attends lots of conferences and collaborates with leading edge speakers. One of her speakers elicited a thrilling resonance for her. Julia called me from her car afterward to tell me about it. “You know”, she started slowly…..”you might have some trauma…..”
WHat?! me? I grew up in a rich white mountain community with loving parents and even a stay at home mom. not me. But you know. Her words resonated somewhere and slowly rippled in.
So Yeah. Along with our culture, I have a wide and widening understanding of Trauma.
I am staying in a little straw bale cottage. Care taking. It is Dreamy. I have to pinch myself. Is this real? Laura, you don’t deserve this. Yes you do. Thank you thank you thank you thank you Thank you. lady who owns the cabin, Great mystery universe, Aya, the stars….. Thank you!!
And. My job is; to keep it clear of mice.
So I timidly set up a mouse un-killing trap. When the SNAP sound happened, late last night, I knew he didn’t die. But I can say, I completely traumatized the little guy. I finally released him in the morning after being cooped up all night and freezing (I put him outside— yes I did that 🙁 ) I couldn’t bear to hear him nibbling to get free all night.
In the early morning hours, in the thawing rays of sunshine, I released him to my favorite land….an act partially fueled by my guilt. I watched him, slowly make his way through the tall grasses. His life force was way low. His fur was ruffled. He was shivering. and his poor little tale had been pinched in trap door. It may have fallen off…..I didn’t want to see. This little guy was cute. way cute.
So I didn’t kill him. Is this good? I am releasing him totally traumatized! Because he is an animal and wise in these ways maybe he will release the trauma quickly and easily? Will he find food and warmth and other mice friends, in his new land today? God I hope so.
I’m not sure this is better than ….. just killin him in a kill trap. Working through trauma can be very difficult life work.
Oh man. This “task” is a little harder than I imagined. Does anyone have a cat I can borrow? Ha! Let nature take it’s course and I can slip out of chain of perpetrating trauma?!